Fear Is The Mindkiller*
Well, it’s Panic Season here in Hellstown. Run For Your Life Cuz We Is All Gonna Die-N-All. It’s that very special time of year when a lil ole Tropical Storm suddenly gets upgraded to a Hurrycane without the blessing or input of the National Weather Service, NOAA or any other legitimate agency that gets to decide when it’s time for us to freaking lose our collective shit and run around like a cat trying to hide crap on a marble floor.
Dr. Ding has bitchily survived the Great A/C Conk Out of 2008, countless blizzards, white-outs, and tornadoes in her native midwest, plus the Totally Fucking Ridonculonk Hurricane Rita “Evacuation” of 2005 or whenever the hell e. helle that was. After 13 hours in a hot vehicle I peed in Pooparella’s water dish, an act she has yet to forgive, but which forced us to regain our senses and actually check NOAA and susequently return home to drink martinis on the roof and watch the arms of the storm spiral overhead. And totally. Pass. Us. By.
Despite the media-generated doomsday cult atmosphere surrounding those of us that chose to stick it out in Houston, we managed to survive. The Beyonce and I lost power for a few hours, slept it off, and awoke to find ourselves miraculously unscathed by all the fear-mongering and governmental existential hotrodding slash nut-grabbing that had gone on for several days prior.
I am no stranger to mass hysteria, general idiocy, and goddamned FOX “News” getting everyone’s ass blown out of shape with their slickly dire and completely unfounded predictions. But that particular brand of extended remix bullshit really rubbed me the wrong way, because buying into it was so incredibly easy.
Why? Because we’re not designed to tolerate it much less attempt to think rationally in the face of its omnipresent and unrelenting message, which of course in my mind plays out in a kind of Shatneresque monologue of “Run, freak out, Jesus is armed and out to get you! Sit in your car in terror-choked gridlock and await further instruction from FOX aka Eternal Triune God!” over and over again.
Case in point: Dr. Ding is used to Great Plains-style tornadoes, where you have, say around 20 minutes to git yore ass to the basement and hunker down for 45 minutes or so tops. There are sirens and everything to let you know exactly when it is Panicking Time, and then it’s all over, lickety-split; adrenaline dump completed, life goes back to normal, minus a few trees and rooftops of course. And better still? It’s perfectly in keeping with the way our nervous systems tend to function best under stressful conditions: 1) Freak out for 20 minutes 2) Cower for a bit 3) Wait until the all-clear 4) Resume normal operations.
We’re not designed for this kind of prolonged and sustained anxiety where we have days on end to worry about statistical probabilities and what kind of sidearms Our Ford Jesus carries, or about ice cream cones of impact and such. It’s wrong. Although I enjoy ice cream I simply don’t think we deserve to have it forced on us against our will. There, I said it.
During times like this I find it helpful to review a few quotes about fear and anxiety. I also find it helpful to stockpile things like Oreo cookies and martini ingredients and to have my legs shaved just in case I have to swim somewhere in a very sexy way. I don’t want that pesky stubble somehow knocking me out of contention for that last can of spaghetti-os at the corner Walgreens. Fuckers.
Where was I.
Ah yes, the Litany Against Fear from “Dune”
- I must not fear.
- Fear is the mind-killer.
- Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
- I will face my fear.
- I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
- And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
- Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
- Only I will remain.
Und auch “Believe” von Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run)
I don’t believe in panic
I don’t believe in fear
I don’t believe in prophecies
so don’t waste any tears.
And who can forget ole Bertie Russell:
Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd.
Jimmy Thurber:
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
Dr. Ding:
So long as I’ve got some diet Pepsi and the hope of someday purchasing glittery flip-flops to prance about in, I’ll be okay. Also some dry underwear might be nice.
* You know what else is a mindkiller? Huffing paint thinner mixed with old episodes of Airwolf. Which I’m pretty sure is what happened to Jan-Michael Vincent. God(dess), he used to be so hot.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Gads I adore you.
I have seen the light…it is clear to me now that the current woes the Scotsman and I face are a direct result of my lack of glittery flip flops. Tim Gunn clearly missed one essential wardrobe piece.
j
Hysterical – but in a good way. Thanx for shining the light of humor onto the whole parade… it helps keep me grounded. We may head out of town – not cause I worried about my families safety – only the safety of my children if I get stuck inside the house all day with them and no electricity. An indoor pool in a hotel in San Antonio sounds so much better!
Enjoy a martini for me!
~ JJ
Fuzzball:
LOL Thanks hon! Mutual.
JeAnne:
Aha! Enlightenment in the form of cheap plastic footwear is the best kind of enlightenment.
You are famous on TV. I know someone who is famous on TV! w00t!
Tim Gunn, I think, should have noticed the glittery flip-flop situation. That’s what they pay him for.
JJ:
Oh that is truly brilliant idea–take the kiddoes to a hotel with a pool. All my friends w/kids tell me that with small children going to a hotel, pretty much ANY hotel, is considered a destination vacation by said small children.
Whether the parental units consider it a vacation is another matter entirely.
We’ll raise a toast to you and yours!
Yeah, I keep wondering if I’m watching the same weather updates as everyone else -
I’m a calm and peaceful person but I’m seriously at a loss when it comes to all of this hysteria. It makes me loca. I want to start shaking people. And possibly swearing at them.
When will the madness end??!?!?!
I’m so glad you posted this. Henceforth I shall begin a new ritual of partaking in rooftop martinis* every time the lights flicker or a media representative tells me to stock up on water.
Mmmmm . . . Jan-Michael Vincent . . .
*note to self – move to a place that has a roof with less than a 70 degree slope.
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ” ~ Mahatma Gandhi ….
“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.” ~ Maya Angelou…..
“If you want the rainbow, yhou gotta’ put up with the rain.” ~ Dolly Parton
I always love your blogs, Ding. No bullshit, just cut and dried out there with a dash of glitter and warm hugs thrown in for good measure. You totally rock!
Jamie:
I LOLed ath the “note to self” part! I think you would get in like maybe 2 sips before you went a-plummeting! And that’s not worth it. There has to be a 3-sip minimum before falling off a roof. Nah, make it 10.
Dear Abby/Angela:
Love your name–always makes me think of the movie Young Frankenstein (“that’s Frahnk-en-steen!”).
Thanks so much! I’m glad you enjoy my glittery ways. And also, thanks for the cool quotes!
Hurricanes are my absolute favorite natural disaster. I love them.
Trainer:
What’s on the rest of that list of favorites? I must know.
*making popcorn and prepares to watch the “show”*
By the same token, Tracy and little Grace (http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/shavee_info.html?ParticipantKey=2008-26092) left NO for a few days in Alabama until Katrina blew over so they could come back and clean up. They ended up with only two changes of clothes, the dog, the car and a four-month stay at Chez’ Beasle.
You are always welcome here, Dingle. We can put a cot out in the send for Jeebes.
-inn-dbeasle
shed. in the shed,
Dr. Ding- Chocolate.
ndbeasle- Sheds are for the zombies.
I can’t see getting to worried about this one. The prediction is no more than 75 mph winds at the worst. We have over 100 mph straight winds that don’t even set the alarms off. You’ve been through worse many a time Bean. Just don’t use plastic martini glassess. They are a bitch to chase down and could cause an extremely annoying spillage to occur. I suggest heavy glass. Maybe leaded crystal.
Dear Gail:
I don’t know….Edouard hit earlier than expected last night, and someone’s reported an entire plastic deck chair tipping over already. Ugly.
Plastic martini glasses you say? Why I think that’s pure genius.
OMGness- this worse than Rita! Of course, that’s not saying much but still.
inn-dbeasle and Trainer:
LOL I like Trainer’s point about sheds being primarily used by zombies. But I appreciate the offer nonetheless, and I’m certain Jeebes would as well. I’m a little worried about him down there in his Procrustean lair and all right now. Flooding, you know. Could be as much as a few milimeters.
Re St. Baldricks: that is such a cool thing! I’d like to donate to that next time. The name alone is worth it!
And Trainer: well you are very easy to buy for this time of year! “I’d like two Cat1 Hurricanes to go please. Oh, and throw in a bar of Swiss chocolate. Yes I’d like gift wrap for both!”
Who was that artist that wrapped an island? He could wrap a hurricane for us, I’m sure.
Trainer:
Crystal Ball? Cristobel? Taco Bell? Burnin Hell? Srsly tho: that would be hawesome….pink cello-wrapped Tropical Storm, complete with flamingo stickers and some frozen drinks.
What did you really expect from a hurricane named “Edouard” anyway?
Now “Hurricane Butch”…
DrD- The Flamingos are a must!
ndb- I was hit by Hurricane Bob while in NH. it was much worse that Edouard.
How about feeding the panicked people to the zombies? That’ll keep ‘em busy for a while (all of ‘em). Uh-oh….evil thoughts…*slaps the mean out of my mind* bad brain!
Y’all ridin up in MY posse!
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There wasn’t all this hysteria always. I’ve lived here my whole life and seen several tropical storms, often hardly hearing about them until they were upon.
I blame it on the downward spiral in local news reporting in recent years. I refuse to watch it anymore since channel 2 thought “The Danger At Your Fingertips!!!!” was an appropriate story for the 5 o’clock news. I’ve had fake nails before and they never caught fire when I was putting a kettle on for tea. It’s called coordination, and if you don’t have it you should reconsider using a range top, fake nails or not. All this alarmist bullcrap is just playing into and perpetuating the culture of fear that really collected steam after 9/11. We’re fear junkies, scrounging through the trash looking for anything to get us high.
And this country is going to hell and WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF IT!!!!!
DrMiggy:
Almost choked on my turkey bacon when I read that the “danger at your fingertips” wasn’t some kind of keyboard-activated dirty bomb but rather artificial nails. Wow. Channel 2 is really catering to the alarmist masses.
“Fear junkies” = incredibly apt term. You’re right, we somehow get all excited and overaroused by playing into this stuff.
And your last line? Priceless.
Rock on, Dr. Miggy. Rock. On!
OMFGJ, there are zombies in my shed?!!
As long as they have no links to Al Qaeda, I guess I’ll be okay. Maybe my BFF LTC Jen can do a 15-month tour in my backyard. It’s a lot closer to her 9- and 7-year-old kids than where GMFB and The Dick has her right now.
Does it make me un-American that I love saying “Qaeda” out loud? Has there ever been a word with harder vowel sounds?
Guess it’s only fair. I used to lay in bed at night worrying about a little thermonuclear annihilation. Why should my kids get a good night’s sleep?
ndbeasle:
BFF = best friend forever
LTC = long time companion
GMFB = Gas mask fitting both
The Dick = either Dick Cheney or Jen’s hub
Am I even close?
ndbeasle, they’re going to drag you before the House Un-American Activities Committee someday and ask you, “Have you ever or are you now saying ‘Qaeda’ outloud?” Be sure to plead the 5th and DON’T mention my name because I love hard vowel sounds all strung together. Those and “o umlaut”.
BFF = Bitchin’ Fun Fräulein
LTC = Leading The Charge
GMFB = Gigantic Mouse Faced Butthead or Generally Mentally deFicient Buffoon or just plain ol’ George Mother Fucking Bush (How’s that for a mental picture?)
The Dick = …okay I’ve got nothing
Army Jen is in Iraq. Her husband got back from Korea right before she left. Fifteen months is a long time. Imagine missing an entire year of your kids’ school bracketed by the Summers before and after. I can’t.
LOLing. Okay so I’m snorting and swallowing my coffee badly. Snickering I think it’s called.
That was good commenting, Trainer and ndb! Having flashbacks to high school German teacher “O mit Umlaut! Say it. Say it!”
Yes, because we all know extreme stress and humiliation in front of peers causes people to suddenly be able to say new sounds. And the cheek pinching to round out the lips would be considered assault in schools today.