Dear Dr. Ding: The Case Of The Poker Paradox
Dear Dr. Ding
Long time reader, first time seeker of irreverent wisdom… So dear guru, I find myself in a politically incorrect pickle in this day and age. A bit of background: dear hubby & I are the proud parents of 2 adorable, rambunctious girls (2 & 4) and a 3 year old doodle dog. We live in excessively PC suburbia working hard to get by. No violins necessary, but it ain’t easy keeping it all together either. My husband has a law-school buddy who has quarterly (more or less) Friday night poker games to which my dear hubby is regularly invited. I want to say, “sure, go ahead! We all deserve a night out!” But…. Here are THE RULES (somewhat shortened):
• Drinks: whiskey, martinis and expensive wine only (NO BEER); absinthe for the post poker beverage
• Food: catered (good food, actually)
• Cost: $250 – the poker is reasonable, no huge bets, no “all in”, cash only
• Woman Folk: Nope
• Babies & Pets: Nope
• Rides Home: Nope & cabs are hard to get – So, plan on crashing or staying very very late. Keys taken at the door.
All very reasonable, right? Only here’s my issue. When hubby goes to said poker night (this would not be the first time) he drinks WAY too much, smokes WAY too much, spends WAY too much money and is exhausted & useless for the entire weekend. And in the event that I make any complaints known, buddy boy host harasses me endlessly for being the nagging shrew, ball and chain, etc., etc. Hubby & I haven’t had longer than a 3 day vacation in 5 years, and no vacation is coming this summer. Money is tight and getting tighter. In view of all that, I’m torn. I want to say “NO WAY” to poker night and at the same time I know he could use a night out to let loose. What does the wise Dr. Ding think of said situation?
-Excessively Uxorial
Dearest ExUx:
Dr. Ding hasn’t seen the word “uxorial” in print since she last read a cozy British mystery about a murder in the vicarage, and truth be told, it’s a very underused word. For you poor benighted souls out there who don’t spend your precious free time reading about WASPS who commit exceedingly diginified murders know, it means “wifely” or, in the vulgate “wife-a-riffic”.
Yes.
I’m going to recommend an outrageously bifurcated course of action: I think you both could use some time away from the kiddoes and your various other responsibilities. But mostly I mean you.
The problem, as you’ve indicated by your own admission, isn’t really the poker night itself. The problem, as Dr. Ding defines it prior to 5 p.m. cocktails, is that you aren’t getting to have fun in this scenario. The solution, as Dr. Ding would likely define it after a few bone-dry Belvedere martinis, is that you need to have a “poker night” of your own. We will get to this later. Trust.
Furthermore: don’t worry about the “PC” aspects of this issue; you’re obviously a hardworking, clear-thinking professional woman and you are raising your girls to be independent, insightful and smart like yourself. Political correctness is not on the table here, because having disagreements with one’s spouse isn’t always about a big, gruesome, pre-feminist, 1950′s military industrial complex-styled, Marxist power differential replete with frilly apron, rampant political oppression, pearls, and Valium.
Sometimes it’s about being rightfully annoyed because they’re out on the town in their Special Drinking Shoes with the extra-traction soles, singing bawdy tavern songs with their old school chums…and you’re at home with the kids or dogs or leaking roof, eating a sleeve of saltines while wishing you had kept all your old Echo & The Bunnymen ephemera from the 1980s so you could sell it on Ebay.
Hubs is showing classic signs of overwork. And so are you. And you don’t even get to join in when he goes out and whoops it up all law-school style! Myself, I’d be supremely irritated, in high dudgeon, and quite likely parading around like Queen Victoria declaring war on a packet of prawn crisps.
That, or I’d be taking furtive, stabby and totally accidental swipes at his backside with his nail clippers in the middle of the night as a means of expressing my displeasure. So my tiara is off to you for your remarkable restraint, ExUx.
I think you and your hubbinator need to have some alone time, some grownup fun time, even if you can’t afford a big vacation right now. I am a big proponent of having a Date Night every week; the actual day can change, but it has to be every week assuming you’re both in town. It can be a stay-at-home thing, but better yet, go somewhere where the kids aren’t demanding your attention. Hold hands, snuggle, boink, whatever re-connects you as a couple, and have an uninterrupted conversation for more than 5 minutes before falling into a dead sleep. Make it a point to enjoy each other now, right now, before you’re both wearing adult diapers, eating strained Cheerios through a tube and having your adult children sign Do Not Rescusitate orders.
Sure, your children and your lifestyle are important, but so is your happiness as a couple, not to mention your own personal satisfaction.
Modern marriages are complicated, even more so when there are children and jobs and professional networks and friendships. It’s not easy to remember that it’s important to celebrate, okay to take a day off from all the extraneous social obligations if you need to, perfectly fine to call a sitter or relative and check into a tawdry hotel for 28 minutes of freaky-deaky circus sex charming bed & breakfast for a romantic weekend.
I’m getting distracted by all the prawn crisps-conquering and the strikethroughs, so let me summarize:
1. date night thingy
2. have your own girlish fun
Now, about #2…
What are you doing for fun? You’re raising children, so I know it feels sorta awful to put your own needs ahead of theirs, but trust Dr. Ding when she tells you that all the research sez that it is really, really important to get away a little bit every once in awhile and have some time to yourself that you deliberately, wholeheartedly enjoy. Men have a far easier time of this than women when it comes to parenting, and it’s not a knock against men…it’s just that as a society we raise men to think of themselves before others, whereas women are generally raised to think of others before themselves.
Of course, there are glorious exceptions to this tendency, but in general it tends to hold true. The solution? Teach your girls that it’s okay for women to have time and space to themselves and that this does not constitute abandonment nor rejection, but rather a healthy means of self-care. You can model this by, say, taking yourself out to regular meals or political rallies or 3-martini poker nights with friends, and by sharing with your girls how much fun it was for you and that you’re so glad to see them when you get back…you’re sharp, ExUx, so you get the idea. They can “help” you with the GoogleMaps strategizing, the selection of clothing appropriate to weather conditions or whatever makes them feel a part of it without actually having to accompany you.
My other suggestion, which I’m almost scared to mention due to the fact that I’m woefully behind on virtually all of my 2008 New Year’s Resolutions*, is this: participate in my 40th Birthday Fantasy of going on a sea cruise with everyone I know who doesn’t deeply resent me. I know, it sounds like a great time, right?
But seriously. Think about it.
*I’m trying to get my lifey life all arranged, plan a wedding, figure out my job situation, possibly start a private practice, and not terrify people with whom I’ve recently reconnected on Facebook with my incessant, nay virulent profanity and attempts to Zombie Hug them while plying them with virtual alcoholic beverages.
I swore I was going to use FB for “networking” and “professional” purposes but who I am I kidding. I just want to eat some brains, turn regular people into “party people” and generally disturb everyone’s shit. It’s what I do.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Jeebus. I can hardly find the time to get my nails done or my ‘stache waxed, and I’m single and childless. You married gals with kids amaze me. I have no idea how you keep it together.
Great advice again, Your Royal Ding. If I were in this situation I would probably go out one Friday night shopping with my girlfriends, buy a bunch of stupid shoes and then get blotto on martinis rendering myself a useless tit the rest of the weekend just to prove the point. But I’m crap at relationships, so I think heeding Ding’s advice is the more sensible option.
your insight and wisdom never fail to astound me! Perhaps step one will be to teach my girls how to mix a decent martini… Or at least, the elder while the younger is napping… Now where do I sign up for the cruise?
Dearest DrMiggy:
I hear ya, O Estimable Doc. I finally went and did some personal grooming today b/c I took a look at myself and realized that I probably wouldn’t pass my own mental status exam….talk about “poor hygiene” and “patient appeared somewhat disheveled”….
I like your new shoes-and-martinis approach *very* much. And I’m with you–I have no idea how professional/working women with kids can do it, it truly boggles my Hulu-obssessed lil mind, as I can barely get Pooparella walked and fed.
I love it when people think I’m sensible. I gotta tell my Mom about this!
Dearest Fooo:
The trick is to just lightly swirl the glass with vermouth, and then pour it out. Also, use the best vodka you can find. I like Ketel One, Belvedere, and Grey Goose, but if you really wanna put a hitch in your gitalong, you should try Thor’s Hammer. WOW. Warning: you might see God(dess).
Also: some folks like a twist of lemon, which is nice during the summer, but I like a splash of olive juice to give it some taste, plus a couple extra olives on a toothpick for sustenace. Which you will need.
Last, shake it in one of those metal Art-Deco containers and use tons of ice, put a towel around the shaker so your skin doesn’t get stuck to the frost. You should shake it long enough for some good rime to form on the exterior of the shaker.
Pour. Aah. So civilized!
I’m really serious about the cruise. I don’t know how to go about setting it up, but somehow this will happen. There’s just too much fun to be had for it NOT to happen.
If something is important enough, you will find the time for it.
Dates can be cheap, like going to an indoor playground where the kids are likely not to get in too much trouble, or ask a friend. I have offered, but my friends have never taken me up on it (NOT because I’m awful with children or leave porn in the DVD player or anything). THAT surprises me. If someone ever offers at some point in the future, TRUST I will be taking them up on it.
Or maybe try a kid swap with a neighbor couple–that way you watch each other’s brood for an evening, and take the time to go to a park, for a hike, for dinner, whatever. Lovin’ never has to cost money.
Cheap love is the best love anyway (maybe that came out wrong…).
It seems to me too that his poker night begins at a certain time friday and ends by noon saturday (at the latest). No matter how craptacular he feels, maybe that’s when you schedule your own alone time–as an adult, he has to manage his own decisions, and this may mean taking care of the girls hellishly hung over. Trust me, if you don’t baby him, he’ll start to regulate his own intake so he can go back to being a dad the next day.
Dearest Spirophita:
My readers are brilliant!
Your ideas are fabu–I love other people’s kids, in increments of less than 24 hours, so it stands to reason that there are probably other folks out there who wouldn’t mind doing some kid-watching while Mommy and Daddy share some quality time.
“Cheap love is the best love anyway” — ah, so true, so true.
Also: that’s an interesting point about scheduling coincident alone time, I hadn’t thought of it, and I think that might work out…plus you can get double your money on the sitter!
Wow…you are plying people with liquor on facebook and I can’t even receive the virtual corn you sent me. I am missing out.
And, I think I need to go to ExUx’s poker night.
Liquor on Facebook? Whoa, I have been missing out. ~notes pitiful drop to 3rd on comments~ Eeps!
Take me to party, OBD – I obviously need the help. ;P
Vikki:
I’m a big fan of sending unsuspecting people gifts of corn and/or “thundersnow” on FB, but I am going to get bizzy and send you some dranks ASAP because you so richly deserve it!
I know–I wanna go to ExUx’s poker night too. Back when I was in Gradual School I attended a poker night but I was so awful at poker I’d just throw down my $5 and go out after the first hand on purpose so that I’d be busted and could therefore concentrate more on the socializing and the Cheez-Its.
Ah, Cheez-Its. Is there anything you can’t do?
Pear Lady’s back!1!1!!
Yay!
I was starting to wonder, gal! Are you on the FB or LinkedIn?
For those of you just tuning in, Pear Lady likes to refer to me as “Obi -Wan Ding” which endears her to me in ways I can only begin to describe. That or it means something like Ole Dirty Bastard but with mild dyslexia.
Anywho. I totally need to throw a fiesta mas gigante for y’all.
I recently became reaquainted with Cheez-its when I was visiting my aunt in Kansas City. I had forgotten the power of a fresh Cheez-it.
ExUx,
Man, I got this one. I know all about sitting at home alone at night with the boys stewing up a big pot of righteous envy. (By “boys” I mean “boys”; ages 8, 6 and 4.)
If this topic is still fresh on Monday, I’ll offer my own 2¢. My home machine is on the fritz and my thumbs can’t take everything I have to say.
Ding-tender, and I thought the happy buzz I got from dropping in at the FB was merely from being in your presence.
-ndb(hic)easle
Priceline is great for in-town last minute reservations. Just sayin’.
Vikki:
Cheez-Its have been known to save small children from brush fires. True story!
NDBeasle:
I would like to hear your $0.02. Sorry your ‘puter is busted. “Dingtender” sounds good, doesn’t it? Thank you for inventing it. Also, I need to send you more booze, stat, don’t I?
And my darlingest Trainer:
Plus Priceline has Wm. Shatner in the commercials, which is ALMOST reason enough to use them!
“…wearing adult diapers, eating strained Cheerios through a tube and having your adult children sign Do Not Rescusitate orders.”
Once again, perfectly capturing my imagined future in one concise sentence.
ExUx, of course the Dingster is spot on, and as a mother of grown children (pen poised to sign the order) I understand now how critically important it was to take a break from them and give them a break from me…
I don’t think the quarterly poker games are a bad idea for the spousal unit. I just think you ought to agree on some ground rules (spending limits, for one) and absolutely set up your OWN quarterly get away.
Epiphenita:
Great point!! Gotta take a breatk now, or else your duly appointed plug-pullers might get a little handsy with the DNR. Brilliant!
That might not have been exactly what you were going for, tho….
Saturday mornings have been the exclusive domain of amerdb for quite some time. Not quarterly. Not monthly. Weekly “see ya’ wouldn’t want to be ya’”… Often the boys and I won’t see her until 2:00 or so.
I came from a house where the folks did everything together. Not most things. EVERYTHING. That is what I thought we were supposed to do. I have learned that we are not my parents. (Thank Girl Jesus.)
Amerdb and I have had to deal with some major $h!+ lately. Both individually and as a couple, but the key has always been getting personal space and ample time to get away.
The only dude with a legit excuse for not taking sole possession of the offspring on occasion was a guy named Joseph. The rest of us had something to do with getting the kiddies here.
More pearls before you swine tomorrow.
-nd”been there”easle
Okay. So much to say and no time to say it. Got to get this done before my boss walks in and asks what salmon cheetah print has to do with restarting refining units for our client.
There were a number of times not long ago where I would sit seething about Amy being out with her friends while I was making boxes of mac and cheese for the hellions. My circle of friends at the time was tight. Like really tight. Me and three guys to be exact. Not a martini-had between the three of them. As part of my ongoing recovery, I was reminded that bitching about what you don’t have doesn’t even compare to enjoying what you do.
At the risk of sounding like some kind of cliche-odeon, i also believe that it is much easier to make excuses than to make time.
The old Mr & Mrs. Beasle were like some kind of freaky, incestuous siamese twin. (Talk about indicators of need for therapy…) They did everything together. I honestly cannot remember any extra-domestical activity that either of them did alone. They certainly never took any spouse-free vaca. Thus my misunderstanding and pissed-offedness in my own relationship.
Time away from spouse and carpet-vermin is essential.
Find friends, make friends, get time away.
Talk to your spouse about the money if you think on it and decide that it IS really a big deal..
Mix it all up – go out with yourself, go out with your spouse, go out with your kids (alone or in pairs), go out with kid A and kid B leaving kid C with the other, let Nana have C and take B and leave C home with the dog. The changes in dynamic are fun.
You can make the poker night work. Like everyone has said – get your own. When you swing the hammer at someone’s head, sometimes it bounces off their skull and the claws stab you in the eye. <- How about that one?!!I
Cheez-Its and booze rock.
Go back to your hole Pear-Lady. I’m trying to out-Ding you.
$h!+, my boss is coming – got to go.
-ndbeasle
ndbeasle:
I see I have neglected to comment on this. I like “cliche-odeon” a lot. I’m impressed w/your insight into your own relationship dynamics; that is SO tough to see, like over 90% of the time! I’m glad that you and the missus are taking time to work on your own “stuff’” — so many people never get around to this, and then by the time they get to the point where they’re willing/able to look at it, they’re left with like 50 years’ worth of bad habits.
So much better to deal with stuff earlier when it’s smaller, than later, when it’s become this huge, seething mass of hurt, emotional devastation and resentment. Massive props for you and amerdb! The “easy” way is to just not deal, and bury your attention in work or school or The Kids or something, anything but what pains you.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I admire my readers. I admire those of you who write in, I admire those of you who share your life experiences and struggles in the comments, and those of you who have taken those crucial steps into dealing with your psychomological shit, if it’s there to be dealt with.
Good advice, ndbeasle!
Commenting at work…once a rebel, always a rebel!