When Hipsters Go Bad
Dr. Ding exhorts y’all to take a hard look at the hipster pictured above so that you can avoid his current predicament, for you see this is actually a police mugshot from TheSmokingGun, via ListOfTheDay qua my hilarious co-conspirator and purveyor of all things listy, CaryMc.
There are five defining aspects of Hipster Gone Bad Syndrome, and you should be ever-mindful of them so that you can avoid a similar fate as that of Mr. Smartass McSmugpants up there.
1. An affected love of Parliament cigarettes. Those things are foul, kinda like Lucky Strikes, and they taste like cow dung, only not as good. Shut up, I know what I just said. Unless you’re in the 1940s and headed off to strafe Jerry with tracer bullets from your F6F Hellcat, you shouldn’t smoke them.
2. Wearing a moustache that makes you look like a) you’re the slightly retarded cousin of the Archduke Ferdinand, b) you huff gaslight fumes in the front parlor when the butler isn’t looking, and/or c) you should be tying some unsuspecting young lass to a set of railroad tracks. This marks you as Someone Who Is Trying Too Hard. Put down the slim volume of obscure poetry you only carry for mackdaddy purposes Slick, and step away from the Brylcreem.
3. Inability to express emotion in a non-ironic, non-sarcastic, manner. What? A hipster who can’t seem to avoid the pretense of cool, detached intellectualism? Or who makes an indecipherable but supposedly bemused facial expression when s/he’s being printed and photographed in a police station? Why, that’s amazing.
4. Pronounced tendency to overuse certain expressions, especially “amazing” “awesome” and “bust a Moby.” This is perhaps the most irritaing symptom, as it runs counter to the tendency for the Hipster to try to look articulate and literate, and often produces a sense of overwhelming and ennui-laden strain in the listener as the Hipster then spits “mad verse.” Ugh.
5. Tight pants. This is possibly the biological, even primordial origin of the convoluted insincerity of the modern hipster. When confined to narrow, drainpipe-style pants, it is theorized (Dingenstein et al, 2007) that the ensuing circulatory sequelae are such that the individual wearing said pants becomes functionally oxygen-depleted. This in turn creates a cascade of neurological events negatively impacting the frontal lobes of the brain, fostering ideal conditions for the aforementioned inauthenticities to arise.
Note: it’s considered sub-clinical if an individual exhibits, say 1/5 of the above. These diagnostic critera will tend to fluctuate with the presence of moderator variables such as Converse sneaker availability, vintage concert t-shirts, and really good weed.
Source
Dingenstein, X., Ding, D., & Dingulator, D.R. (2007) Whither thou shruggest: a critique of modern inauthentic subcultural trends. Houston: Ridonculonk Books.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Thank you, I needed that. Now I know what to whip out whenever I see a hipster gone bad. That mustache is just so very wrong.
The title of this post presupposes that hipsters are ever “good”
Christine: I totally should have made little “cut and print” lines around it for that very purpose.
drmiggy: You know, I hadn’t considered the matrix of possibilities you’re positing by pointing out my presupposition. I am going to have to rethink my whole theory. This is good!
“Slightly retarded cousin of the Archduke Ferdinand” is now my favorite phrase of the day. That is my new favorite insult.
Katherine:
I am highly flattered by being able to provide you with a favorite insult. Thanks! LOL
OMG! I just laughed so hard that my ribs now hurt!!! owwww!!
AbbyNormal: Glad I could provide you with that! I think.
What if said wannabe is woefully incapable – even in his very, very late 30’s – of growing facial hair?
How might he compensate? Perhaps a sparse lipstache? Or is that symptomatic of another condition altogether?
I must concur. Your are indeed HRM Queen Ding of the Turned Phrase.
NDBeasle:
You pose an interesting connundrum my friend. I believe if the individual in question grows a sparse lipstache this may qualify him in some way also as a hipster gone bad (HGB?), but the research literature on the subject is pretty unclear. Clearly, more research is needed.
Perhaps we should initiate clinical trials investigating this phenomenon. Would you be willing to help?
And sir, you are far too kind. HRM? Remember: I used to fart loudly in public in high school dude.
It’s Salvador Dali’s love child!
Trainer:
THANK you! That’s righteous; he’s Salvador Dali’s lovechild alright. Fantastic!
Ding Dang-it,
Just saw an unfortunate dude in that crackhouse Facebook with both a handlebar moustache and a lipstache. Someone needs to do an intervention.
-nd “baby face” beasle
Dear “baby face”:
Well that just tears it — the Apocalypse is clearly nigh.
Run for your lives, y’all.
I’m drunk Dr. Ding. Am I your first drunken poster?
Dear ndbeasle:
According to my calculations, you are my 2, 456th drunken poster.
Sorry ’bout stealing your glory.