When Will Jesus Bring The Doughnuts?
Just thought I’d give y’all a little update. I had reams of wild and woolly dreams last night, none of which I can presently remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure there was a giant sandwich involved in one of them.
Been doing a lot of musing and introspection lately, and let me tell you this; it totally blows donkey balls at 400 psi. I need to stop asking my patients to do this, it’s totally gnarly. Anycarbs, I realized last night that my problematic relationship with food probably began at a very young age, when I attended St. Patrick’s Church. The math went something like so:
GO TO CHURCH + DOUGHNUTS AFTERWARD = ETERNAL SALVATION
Does that sound right to you? I think I’m missing some kind of metaphysical denominator here, like “NUMBER OF SPRINKLES” or maybe “YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL!”.
Also: there is a poker cue jabbing me rather impertinently in the back of my brains at the moment. How to fix besides a trip to Dunkin Donuts? Please advise.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Happy Fall Equifax!
Dr. Ding likes to commemorate the changing of the seasons and whatnot in kind of a late-1990s, pseudo-Wiccan way where we all wear velvet bodice dresses with long unstraightened tresses and heavy square-toed boots. Because that is what Wicca is all about. Trust.
I kinda miss my Ren Faire Maiden days, short-lived tho they were. It was a lot of fun eating such Faire delicacies as giant barbecued turkey legs and Pickle On A Stick while prancing about in fetching Celtic silver jewelry, looking bosomy.
Okay, so my Ren Faire Maiden days were more like one day, but you can totally see where I’m coming from; specificially, a very sacred purple velour space where I burned a lot of cedarwood candles and Night Queen incense while listening to inscrutable semi-witchy music like Loreena McKennit and Stevie Nicks.
What I’m saying is that all this witchy street cred I’ve accrued since reading “To Ride a Silver Broomstick” back in 1995 supremely qualifies* me to wish you a happy Autumnal Equinox.
*If you are at all interested in witchy or feminist theology stuff you should read Sybil Leek’s Diary of a Witch, the later works of Marjia Gimbutas, Shapeshifters: Shaman Women in Contemporary Society by Michele Jamal, and Sisterhood is Powerful, An Anthology of Writings from the Women’s Liberation Movement (edited by Robin Morgan).
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Smell Ya Later, Houston
So guess what? The Beyoncé and I are moving back to Denver, from whence we came. In 17 days. We’ve both given notice. We’ve posted it on Twitter and Facebook so you know it’s o-fficial.
The Beyoncé and I, as it turns out, have fundamentally different approaches to the process of moving. I prefer to do as little work as possible and hire packers and/or movers. The Beyoncé insists that the entire thing be a DIY project, and not in a sexy hipster, devil-horned-crocheted-cap sort of way, either. Oh no. Read on.
Since I don’t see patients on Mondays I was tasked with procuring cost-free cardboard boxes. I had already magnanimously agreed that a) we would pack our own shit and b) we would use U-Haul to schlep said shit. Feeling quite impressed with my ability to compromise, I headed out this morning on a quest for boxes.
I courageously went to two liquor stores, one grocery store, and Office Motherfucking Depot. And what did I get for my trouble? Blank stares, uncomprehending gazes, a little bit of drool, and NO BOXES. After this unstinting bitchazzness, I called The Beyoncé to inform him that I would no longer be scrounging boxes like a common, well ….box-scrounger. Oh no, not this queen.
I then spent 45 minutes driving in circles in downtown Houston, trying to echolocate the U-Haul store using sonar clicks and trills. Bupkes! GoogleMaps had failed me utterly and all seemed lost when suddenly arose the U-Haul sign, like a great orange beacon against dark stormy seas, luminous on the horizon! After much careful deliberation I emerged victorious, my car full of boxes of varying handy sizes. I even got tape. Impressive!
When all this broke-dick tomfoolery is finally over, we will be in Denver. The Beyoncé has hisself a pretty cool job, and I will be doing the same sort of long-term care stuff I’m doing now, only for a smaller company.
I will miss Houston–I recently rekindled some friendships with people I’d known way back when I was in gradual school in Lincoln, NE and I’m very sad to have to disconnect from these awesome people AGAIN.
And of course there’s the truly hawesome Houston Twitter community….far too many to name individually….which has led me to several incredible friendships I wish I had more time to develop. I’m hopeful that living in a more hospitable climate with close proximity to mountains, skiing, and did I say mountains? will lead to LOTS of visits from our Houston friends.
Houston has really grown on me, and not like some kind of post-Ike mold, either. When we first moved here I thought it was all noveau-riche bitchez wearing fancy jeans and driving Lotuses. And it kinda is. But there’s a lot more to Houston if you can look past the wretched excess, hurricanes, and stifling humidity. There’s a vibrant arts community, tons of museums, cool ethnic neighborhoods, accessible professional sports, some of the best restaurants EVER, fascinating history, and lots of economic growth. Good stuff.
I will miss this place. I will miss these people. It’s my belief that nothing lasts forever, and if it’s meant to be, our paths will cross again. May the silver go-go boots of GirlJesus™ bless you and keep you all the days of your lives, y’all.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
2007 Reflections, 2008 Dreams
Dr. Ding never was too good at New Year’s resolutions; I make them all backwards and counterintuitive-like.
Dr. Ding once made a resolution to eat a LOT more chocolate, and well looky looky…it’s good for you now! Cause and effect, to be sure.
Superheroine JeAnne posted this very clever set of questions from which I’m cribbing here. Rock on, girl.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you had never done before? – Took two cruises with a very dear friend. Swam with dolphins, a lifelong dream. Went to a conference in Laguna Beach. Started blogging in earnest. Joined Twitter and learned everyone goes out a LOT more than I do.
2. What countries did you visit? – Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman Island, California.
3. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? – More free time. More naps. Getting back into sitting meditation. Regular workouts. More dates with The Beyonce. A truly stellar blog logo. Dingish t-shirts on sale in CafePress.
4. What was your biggest achievement of the year? – Tie: 1) Started investing money. 2) Completed 20 miles of the Avon Walk in Chicago, June 2007.
5. Did you suffer any illness or injury? – Couple bouts of flu. Epicondylitis. Racked my left Achilles. Two vein surgeries. Ew.
6. What was the best thing you bought? — Anything on Etsy, especially Surlyramics’ stuff. A Dremel set for The Beyonce. Memory-foam mattress topper.
7. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? – Happier, but tireder.
8. Did you fall in love in 2007? -- It seems like every other week I find out something entirely new and absolutely wonderful about The Beyonce. Despite his peculiar insistence on keeping the kitchen counters neat and clean, I remain In Love with him. I can’t help it. He heals me. Well, that and he’s a stone fox.
9. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? — Vintage 1987 drag queen-meets-former-GothPunk shitkicker, quietly supported by nerd glasses and Ex Officio underpants, and a team of Etsy.com artisans. Plus several pair of sweats from Target, black Uggs, and a penchant for t-shirts from The Mill and The Salt Dogs.
10. What do you wish you’d done more of? What didn’t you get in 2007 that you want for 2008? – I wish I’d gone back to the gym after my 2 surgeries, because now I’m very out of the habit. In 2008, I have the following goals and objectives:
1) Get married. To The Beyonce. In a FIERCE wedding dress. Not sure yet what rhymes with husband.
2) Figure out what rhymes with husband.
3) Plan a trip to Tibet, to take place within the next few years. I’ll be going with Dr. Kat and anyone else who dares accompany us.
4) Get up every day at 6 a.m. to meditate, pray to The Inner Silver Go-Go Boots of GirlJesus, do a lil’ yoga, walk.
5) Remain injury-free when I get back to weight lifting this Spring, and further, if I do get injured, find a neon-pink sparkly cold pack so that the whole experience is more festive.
6) Finish writing Drag Queens From Outer Space! Or: How I Learned To Love Managed Care™
7) Have a costume party for Halloween like I did back in the 1990s where everyone has to (more…)
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
There Is No “I” In Quitter…No Wait, There Is
So Dr. Ding went to her YogaFit training this morning at 8 a.m. The directions provided sucked, and I didn’t have time to stop for a coffee, so I got lost and arrived late and very bleary. Turns out I was one of the early ones, and some folks came an hour late. The room was extremely chilly, even for a hot tamale like Dr. Ding. I didn’t bring my usual mat because YogaFit had new ones for us, but oh was I ever sorry. Everything ached thanks to the tortilla-like thickness of the mat. The music was cheesy and sounded like something best appreciated while taking an elevator to the top floor of the corporate offices of whoever makes Valium.
Did I mention that I left early? As in 1.5 days early? I gamely stuck it out for exactly 3 hours and 25 minutes, shivering and puling, but frankly I should have known better than to sign up for something that’s supposed to run for 2 entire days from 8am to 6pm. I have an attention span that lasts exactly 50 minutes, which rather nicely coincides with billable psychotherapy hours. Doing anything for longer than 50 minutes tends to make me feel billious, phlegmatic, and in dire need of smelling salts to revive my delicate constitution.
So, sadly, dear readers, there will be no Ding-A-Riffic YogaFit classes offered in the near future. However, at some point I may just decide to trademark my own particular brand of Dingish yoga, something definitely involving disco, Missy Elliot, glittery leotards, and cocktails/dessert afterwards.
I’m working on it.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Oh Dear GirlJesus, Praised Be Thy Go-Go Boots
Starting at 8:00 a.m. Saturday this weekend, I will be taking a YogaFit teacher training course. It’s a 2-day course designed for beginning yoga teachers. I know. You’re as suprised as I am.
Dr. Ding probably hasn’t mentioned her sporadic interest in yoga much, has she? Probably because I’ve been a tad busy planning to subvert the New World Order by wearing as much glittery Urban Decay eyeliner as humanly possible, whilst simultaneously sexily infiltrating the neo-corporatized military-industrial complex and maintaing a high gloss on my GirlJesus Brand™ Go-Go boots.
Well, it’s true. I practice yoga, but not as often as I’d like. I’m hoping this teacher training gives me some added motivation to continue with my practice. I’m also considering starting to teach at some point. But rest assured my sugar dumplings…this will be no ordinary yoga class.
There will be a brief warm-up routine to the very spiritual sounds of The Weather Girls’ anthem “It’s Raining Men” followed by the rump-shaking “Work It” by Missy Elliot. Then, we will get down to the actual yoga, which will last only 20 minutes, because that is how long I like to do yoga. Short attention span, you know. There will be a compulsory 2 minutes of The Complimenting Of The Yoga Outfits, followed by a all-1980s cool-down, interrupted briefly yet magnificently with a single restrained outburst of slam dancing.
After class, we high-five each other, think very well of ourselves, and go out for a nice cocktail, or possibly some decaf latte and a brownie, before toddling home to bed.
This is how Dr. Ding does yoga, people. This is the Way Of the Ding.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |