My Favorite Video EVAR
Dr. Ding is especially fond of all the twirling and spinning going on here. Enjoy.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Stuff That Sucks
So in the aftermath of the truly staggeringly awful earthquake in Haiti*, Dr. Ding would like to share with you a list of things that also suck wrinkly donkey balls at 500+ psi. Why? Because I haven’t had coffee or Tab The All-Occasion Beverage in almost 2 weeks, nor red meat, alcohol, butter, cheese, sugar, salt, citrus, or wheat.
I’m still crabby as hell, still mud-brained, still attempting to summon phantasmogorical British monkey butlers to cart my tired ass away from the horrid clouds of flatus that seem to follow me wherever I go. For awhile last week there I was being chased by a giant all-knowing eyeball, but that seems to have slacked off a litle.
I’m definitely having First World problems. Deal.
1. Pat Roberston. What a tool. Last I checked, Jesus wasn’t into blaming the victim.
2. The fact that I can’t think of a more descriptive term than “tool” with which to label Pat Robertson.
3. Shitty grammar. The world is definitely getting dumb and dumberer.
4. Rue McClanahan having a stroke. Be strong, Rue! The world needs more sexy, sassy 75 year-olds.
5. I’m out of ideas already. Where was I going with this post again?
I think we can all agree: that’s enough.
* Information on how to help:
Yele Haiti: http://www.yele.org/
Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/
Doctors Without Borders: http://doctorswithoutborders.org/
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
When Will Jesus Bring The Doughnuts?
Just thought I’d give y’all a little update. I had reams of wild and woolly dreams last night, none of which I can presently remember clearly, but I’m pretty sure there was a giant sandwich involved in one of them.
Been doing a lot of musing and introspection lately, and let me tell you this; it totally blows donkey balls at 400 psi. I need to stop asking my patients to do this, it’s totally gnarly. Anycarbs, I realized last night that my problematic relationship with food probably began at a very young age, when I attended St. Patrick’s Church. The math went something like so:
GO TO CHURCH + DOUGHNUTS AFTERWARD = ETERNAL SALVATION
Does that sound right to you? I think I’m missing some kind of metaphysical denominator here, like “NUMBER OF SPRINKLES” or maybe “YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL!”.
Also: there is a poker cue jabbing me rather impertinently in the back of my brains at the moment. How to fix besides a trip to Dunkin Donuts? Please advise.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Adventures In Methane
I’m back on the Elimination Diet wagon, all old-timey like. This is Day Four. My last coherent memory has to do with chopping raw vegetables and drinking some kind of shake that tasted nothing like a bacon martini. Nothing. Like.
The hardest part so far has been withdrawing from caffeine, and it’s only been like 4 hours. Ok, that’s a lie – I’m drinking some stealthy black tea right now. Anyway, it sucks because it makes my eyeballs feel very bulgey. Bulgy. Bugly.
In preparation for downing 4 to 5 of the aforementioned scrumptious shakes per day in order to cleanse my sinful, dirty innards, I’ve been eating lots of veggies, fruits and legumes, and drinking lots of water. And farting in three-part harmony. And dissociating from reality in fun ways. To wit: this morning I found myself up early and then vacuuming, laundering, dog-walking and inexplicably making beef jerky in a food dehydrator*. I’m not sure what all this means because I should definitely be working on treatment plan updates instead of engaging in these Ding-inappropriate behaviors, but because I can’t really remember where I left my DSM-IVR I just gotta keep it real. Thusly. Bugly.
Why am I putting myself through this kind of recockulous fuckery? I’m making a list because The Beyoncé and I live across the street from a goddamned Coldstone Creamery and this makes it hard to focus on other things. No joke.
- I wanna be able to fit my voluptuous calves into supercute magenta ski boots next season.
- My aunt is a breast cancer survivor and reducing my body fat will improve my chances of not getting it.
- Eating more green stuff is good for staving off Alzeheimer’s Disease.
- I want a pair of those fancy 7even jeans in the worst way, and they only go up to a 12. Bastards.
- My allergy symptoms will get lots better.
- Having more energy and sleeping great is nice.
- My symptoms of PCOS and endometriosis will lessen considerably.
- I want to be able to perform a lot of ninja-style moves on the dancefloor.
- My thyroid function might improve.
- I think gallivanting about town surrounded by a giant green methane cloud is sexy.
I think that’s enough.
Ed. Note: I forgot to include the * thingy. * means that I actually own a real, 3-D food dehydrator and that I wasn’t referring to something related to the hot winds emanating from my hind end. Just so we’re clear.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |