Has Your Vajayjay Lost Its Pep?
With all the plastic surgery bullshit going on nowadays where women get Botox shot into their coochies, Dr. Ding thinks it’s high time we reclaimed the power of the all-mighty bergina. And not in some kind of groovy, over-solemnified 1970s Our Bodies, Our Selves kind of way. Oh no.
See that impish figure up above? That’s a Sheela na Gig, a holy vulva. They were put on buildings for protection from evil back in ancient Ireland and in other areas of Europe, and were considered pretty strong juju, spiritually-speaking. You can read more about them here.
So, the next time you find yourself worrying about what other people think about your punannie, remember its noble lineage and abilities to ward off demons and such. And the next time you’re about to go in for some ridiculous cooter-tightening, hoohoo-rejuvenating procedure, get yourself a Sheela na Gig instead. Trust. Your spirit will thank you for it.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Friday Diatribe: Rose Red
Wanna know what gripes Dr. Ding’s ass at the moment? No, it’s not the recession, internecine warfare in Africa, healthcare reform reactionaries, or the fact that I’m almost out of Cherry Coke Zero.
What gripes my ass is the fact that I got suckered into watching a four-hour Stephen King miniseries on SyFy last night called “Rose Red“. It sucked trucknutz at 500 psi and yet I could not look away. Could. Not.
Ready for part 2 of this courageous story of one woman’s struggle against reality? I tried to dye my hair a vibrant shade of red today, and it turned out babyshit brown intead of “Intense Dark Red” as L’Oreal promised.
It’s a goddamned miracle that Dr. Ding has survived such onslaughts to her delicate and particular aesthetic! I should be featured in Woman’s Day magazine wearing a sensible light-blue boatneck top, looking like I got my beliefs straight out of Wal-Mart book club’s Pick of the Month or some shit, as I breathtakingly describe my epic battles against the fearsome powers of the TV remote and the hair dye. It would be a story for Everywoman, with a healing message containing the wisdom of the ages.
Look for it.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
For Your Reading Pleasure
As many of you freakazoids are aware, when Dr. Ding goes, she goes big. Witness my past forays into yoga, Avon Breast Cancer Walk fundraising, vegetable cutting, and hurricane-induced fuckery. So when I find a blog or website that catches my fancy* I tend to overdo just a tad.
If you’re up my especial brand of seeming randomness, check out these gems.
Up Popped A Fox: This is my friend and former housemate and former rugby teammate Vikki’s blog. She was a founding member of The Lesbian Avengers, and actually wore a cape and scaled buildings and stuff. She’s awesomesauce.
[Sidenote--today at work I was walking down the hall, swinging my trusty clipboard while whistling a jaunty tune, when suddenly I realized that I'm going to name the next dog I own Bungholio. It was a stunning realization and will probably have far-reaching geopolitical repercussions.]
I Has A Hotdog: If loving LOLspeak-captioned photos of dogs is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Dr. Miggy’s Healthy Blog For Busy Folks On Tight Budgets: Oh my gentle GirlJesus™ people. I wish I had read this before I went on that Elimination Diet last year. The tagline from this slice of recession-friendly genuis pie? “Get healthy, stay healthy, don’t go crazy, don’t go broke.” Oh Dr. Miggy. You had me at don’t go crazy.
Awkward Family Photos: I have to stop coming here because I find the photographs incredibly disturbing, and yet I cannot look away. Compelling weirdness, wrapped in frosted denim and apparently featuring a lot of budding serial killers-to-be. Yet somehow heartwarming.
The Malefactor’s Register: A true-crime blog, spanning some of the weirdest cases of the last century. The writing and formatting kinda blows, but the stories themselves are fascinating.
PLASTICLAND: Offbeat, kitschy, vintage and highly nifty clothing and baubles. And crafts and jewelry. If you’re plus-sized, be sure to check out the dresses.
*I caught my fancy on a cactus in 9th grade biology class and let me tell you, it’s really something.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
Workin’ My Way Back To You, Bitches
‘Cause I’m burnin’ up inside!
I lie. I been busy. Today The Beyoncé had knee surgery. Oddly enough, clad in his glamourous white compression hose and hospital gown, gorked out on 11 different kinds of drugs and spices, eyeballs pointing in different directions, I’ve never found him more sexually attractive or debonair.
You see, the phrase “wearing an assless nursing home gown” played a pivotal role in our early courtship. The Beyoncé had written me a very witty and erudite email in the first weeks of our flirtation, describing the various merits of wearing an assless nursing home gown, chief among them being ventilation for various gases. There was also some discussion about whether or not it was nobler to stab oneself in the eyeball with a rusty kitchen knife than to suffer the slings and arrows of watching goddamn Martha Stewart stencil chola eyebrows on a capon on HGTV.
Immediately after reading this email, I decided this would be the man I’d spend the rest of my life with. You can see why, can’t you? All that talk of fart-conducive apparel and eyeball-stabbery really boiled ole Dr. Ding’s potato.
Next post: blogs you should read and sites you should visit. Followed by a good ole-fashioned Friday diatribe.
You’re welcome.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |