Smell Ya Later, Houston
So guess what? The Beyoncé and I are moving back to Denver, from whence we came. In 17 days. We’ve both given notice. We’ve posted it on Twitter and Facebook so you know it’s o-fficial.
The Beyoncé and I, as it turns out, have fundamentally different approaches to the process of moving. I prefer to do as little work as possible and hire packers and/or movers. The Beyoncé insists that the entire thing be a DIY project, and not in a sexy hipster, devil-horned-crocheted-cap sort of way, either. Oh no. Read on.
Since I don’t see patients on Mondays I was tasked with procuring cost-free cardboard boxes. I had already magnanimously agreed that a) we would pack our own shit and b) we would use U-Haul to schlep said shit. Feeling quite impressed with my ability to compromise, I headed out this morning on a quest for boxes.
I courageously went to two liquor stores, one grocery store, and Office Motherfucking Depot. And what did I get for my trouble? Blank stares, uncomprehending gazes, a little bit of drool, and NO BOXES. After this unstinting bitchazzness, I called The Beyoncé to inform him that I would no longer be scrounging boxes like a common, well ….box-scrounger. Oh no, not this queen.
I then spent 45 minutes driving in circles in downtown Houston, trying to echolocate the U-Haul store using sonar clicks and trills. Bupkes! GoogleMaps had failed me utterly and all seemed lost when suddenly arose the U-Haul sign, like a great orange beacon against dark stormy seas, luminous on the horizon! After much careful deliberation I emerged victorious, my car full of boxes of varying handy sizes. I even got tape. Impressive!
When all this broke-dick tomfoolery is finally over, we will be in Denver. The Beyoncé has hisself a pretty cool job, and I will be doing the same sort of long-term care stuff I’m doing now, only for a smaller company.
I will miss Houston–I recently rekindled some friendships with people I’d known way back when I was in gradual school in Lincoln, NE and I’m very sad to have to disconnect from these awesome people AGAIN.
And of course there’s the truly hawesome Houston Twitter community….far too many to name individually….which has led me to several incredible friendships I wish I had more time to develop. I’m hopeful that living in a more hospitable climate with close proximity to mountains, skiing, and did I say mountains? will lead to LOTS of visits from our Houston friends.
Houston has really grown on me, and not like some kind of post-Ike mold, either. When we first moved here I thought it was all noveau-riche bitchez wearing fancy jeans and driving Lotuses. And it kinda is. But there’s a lot more to Houston if you can look past the wretched excess, hurricanes, and stifling humidity. There’s a vibrant arts community, tons of museums, cool ethnic neighborhoods, accessible professional sports, some of the best restaurants EVER, fascinating history, and lots of economic growth. Good stuff.
I will miss this place. I will miss these people. It’s my belief that nothing lasts forever, and if it’s meant to be, our paths will cross again. May the silver go-go boots of GirlJesus™ bless you and keep you all the days of your lives, y’all.
| Etsy: QueenBodacious |
I hate to see you go … but it’s funny you call him “Beyonce.” I wonder if he has some Diva tendencies I don’t know about.
You’re missed and you aren’t even gone yet. Take good care of each other, as I know you already do and will. I may have to find my way up to you sometime if you’ll have me.
mother of god. you are hilarious.
AbbyNormal-
Thankee kindly, ma’am! And of course we’ll have you! Just don’t pee on the carpet. That’s the house rule.
Lina–
Nah…it’s just that it’s the only thing I could find that rhymes with “fiance”! Hee.
I still can’t get past “well, fuck.” Will get back with you when I make more progress.
You, my friend, are no common box-scrounger. I am deeply saddened that you were put throught that.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are in Denver – I’ll have to look you up when we visit and I am far more likely to go to Denver than Texas.
OMG! I’m sooo happy you are going to Colorado, because I love it and want to live there, but OMG you and David are going to sooo be missed. I’m going to see you ASAP! How’s May 3rd?
@epiphenita It’s my considered opinion that “Well, fuck” is an entirely satisfactory response.
@Vikki THANK you for empathizing with my heroic struggle! And yes, plz do look me up!
@Imelda Thank you hunny! We’re gonna miss you too. You can totally come to visit May 3rd if you don’t mind sleeping surrounded by *scrounged* boxes.
Ohhh, *mountains*… le sigh. I miss snow.
Meanwhile, if it simply must be DIY(esque) I recommend a good Merlot (or case thereof). It dulls the pain of staring at random stuff you’ve no idea what to do with or why you own!
@CK I like the way you think.
Wow! You’re so calm about how quickly this will happen. I believe things happen for a reason and that you will cross paths with those friends again. AND, I too, am more likely to travel to Colorado than Texas. Not that you’ve invited me, but I”m just saying. Since I’m already thinking that our Fab 40s group should do a yearly or every other year get together, maybe next time it’s to the mountains. Happy Packing!
Well of course you’re invited, Mel, and your idea about the next Fab 40 meeting being in the mountains is brilliant! I like the idea of a mountain lake and some sorta groovy cabin.
*Sniff* bbbbut, you can’t go *clamps on ya both a tight tx-sized bear hug* Gonna miss you! I do hope you’ll come back at least for a visit someday. Happy moving!
(*mumbles* I hope you don’t freeze your tail off…or maybe I do hope so* Yes, you know I’m being my silly self saying that, eh. *wink*)
Aw PearLady! It’s gonna be okay. Promise.
And we will definitely return for a visit.
Next time you’re out our way, please say hello. Or maybe even come to our house and stuff.
Did you make it?!?!? Write another fucking post and tell us how fucking awesome it is up there right now.
ps I have decided to let my inner drunken sailor free.
So when are we going to get our first update from Denver? Can’t wait to see a few photos of that Lamb association!
come on tell us how it is , we’re all waiting