Dr. Ding Goes To Boulder
That’s right, bitches. Dr. Ding is in Boulder, CO at an energy psychology conference. And I’m learning stuff completely unrelated to my more usual tropes of glitter, drag queen spirituality, sarcastic responses to reader mail and/or taking pot shots at Dr. Phil.
The stuff I’m learning here has more to do with subtle energy fields and the Holy Silver Go-Go Boots of GirlJesus™, plus all kinds of mystical psychotherapeutic shit that only a True Psychology Ninja can master. But only while wearing gauzy M.C. Hammer pants and listening to Yanni.
Jealous much?
Thought so.
I’ll be back when I’m damn good and ready.
When Hipsters Go Bad
Dr. Ding exhorts y’all to take a hard look at the hipster pictured above so that you can avoid his current predicament, for you see this is actually a police mugshot from TheSmokingGun, via ListOfTheDay qua my hilarious co-conspirator and purveyor of all things listy, CaryMc.
There are five defining aspects of Hipster Gone Bad Syndrome, and you should be ever-mindful of them so that you can avoid a similar fate as that of Mr. Smartass McSmugpants up there.
1. An affected love of Parliament cigarettes. Those things are foul, kinda like Lucky Strikes, and they taste like cow dung, only not as good. Shut up, I know what I just said. Unless you’re in the 1940s and headed off to strafe Jerry with tracer bullets from your F6F Hellcat, you shouldn’t smoke them.
2. Wearing a moustache that makes you look like a) you’re the slightly retarded cousin of the Archduke Ferdinand, b) you huff gaslight fumes in the front parlor when the butler isn’t looking, and/or c) you should be tying some unsuspecting young lass to a set of railroad tracks. This marks you as Someone Who Is Trying Too Hard. Put down the slim volume of obscure poetry you only carry for mackdaddy purposes Slick, and step away from the Brylcreem.
3. Inability to express emotion in a non-ironic, non-sarcastic, manner. What? A hipster who can’t seem to avoid the pretense of cool, detached intellectualism? Or who makes an indecipherable but supposedly bemused facial expression when s/he’s being printed and photographed in a police station? Why, that’s amazing.
4. Pronounced tendency to overuse certain expressions, especially “amazing” “awesome” and “bust a Moby.” This is perhaps the most irritaing symptom, as it runs counter to the tendency for the Hipster to try to look articulate and literate, and often produces a sense of overwhelming and ennui-laden strain in the listener as the Hipster then spits “mad verse.” Ugh.
5. Tight pants. This is possibly the biological, even primordial origin of the convoluted insincerity of the modern hipster. When confined to narrow, drainpipe-style pants, it is theorized (Dingenstein et al, 2007) that the ensuing circulatory sequelae are such that the individual wearing said pants becomes functionally oxygen-depleted. This in turn creates a cascade of neurological events negatively impacting the frontal lobes of the brain, fostering ideal conditions for the aforementioned inauthenticities to arise.
Note: it’s considered sub-clinical if an individual exhibits, say 1/5 of the above. These diagnostic critera will tend to fluctuate with the presence of moderator variables such as Converse sneaker availability, vintage concert t-shirts, and really good weed.
Source
Dingenstein, X., Ding, D., & Dingulator, D.R. (2007) Whither thou shruggest: a critique of modern inauthentic subcultural trends. Houston: Ridonculonk Books.
Nerd Girls Are Fucking Awesome
Dr. Ding sez: if’n you want to read a thought-provoking article on girl geeks and the potential corporatizing of our identities by the so-called “culture” at large, then you really need to check this post by @slackmistress out.
Also: although it’s against company policy* to apologize on this blog, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize for splitting my infinitives and putting verbs in weird places. Eight years of studying German will do that to a gal, and I only just now realized I’ve been doing it. Sorry.
Resuming normal snarky/smug operations.
*Dr. Ding takes deeply personal offense at bloggers who continually apologize for everything from not posting often enough to their lack of font savvy. Sac/k up, people. Every once in awhile, say, if you’ve suddenly developed a severe drinking problem and have posted a spate of pictures of your ass in all its assy glory on your needlework blog, it’s perfeckly fine to apologize. But (HAH! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?)… it’s recommended that you just ignore your normal human shortcomings and failings in Blogoramaville. At some point, someone is sure to point them out to you, and who are you to take that simple, singular joy away from them? No one, that’s who.
Image
My Courageous Story
Dr. Ding bitchily survived the great A/C disaster of June 17, 2008 and has received a great deal of useful information regarding quiescently frozen underwear and glitta. I have the best readers, period.
I’m not sure y’all noted it, but I’ve joined the Humor-Blogs dot com website, and you can find the nugget on the far right sidebar if you scroll down past “Top Dingers.” Better yet….if you click on it, I receive a mild electrical shock at extremely inopportune moments, like when I’m talking to patients. Go on, try it.
Okay, so maybe it’s not as Milgram-ey as all that. Maybe you click it and HumorBlogs raises my I dunno “inappropriate-yet-entertaining” rating or some pointless shit that’s sure to get me nowhere in my continued attempts at world domination.
But back to you. Y’all are terrific. If GirlJesus™ were here, she’d give all y’all a marg or five, plus extra cheese and sour cream on your nachos in honor of your blog-commenting fabulosity. We would all then have a frug contest and give each other bouffant hairstyles in order to pay homage to her. Because today…today Dr. Ding envisages GirlJesus™ looking especially Nancy-Sinatraesque. It may have been the heat earlier or it may have been my stunning gift for invoking the syncretic powers of lesser 1960s celebrities. Either way: fabulous!
Schwitzy Times
Today, as it turns out, Dr. Ding is not starting her new job.
Today, as it turns out, Dr. Ding is sweating balls instead.
Last night the air-conditioning conked out. Luckily the fans work and the icemaker works, so I’m coping. Sorta. Decided to get a blog post in before everything gets all gummy and sticky and I totally lose my shit and run out into the street nekkid, howling and Jerry Springer-like, arms all a-flail.
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this directly, but I am decidedly NOT a hot weather person. And sadly, it’s not even technically “hot” here in H-town yet. We’re about 30 minutes away from Total Ding Hull Integrity Failure here people. The repair dude just called and said he’d be here “soon” whatever the fuck that means.
Help me, GirlJesus™! Save me Tom Cruise! Use your witchcraft to get this fire offa me!
Misc.
A few things:
1) I can’t believe I’m getting paid by UGO to write sexy times articles for them. WOW.
2) I just joined Facebook today and made peace with the girl who occasionally tried to bully me in the 7th grade when we had adjacent lockers. Who knew Facebook was teh peacemaker? The funny thing: she wasn’t a very good bully actually. Mad props to her for apologizing anyway.
3) I start my new job tomorrow. Pretty much the same as my old job, but without the crazy business decisions and questionable ethics.
4) I’ve been asked recently about the Dingian approach to Getting Things Done (GTD), and it is pretty much this, divided into Boring and Non-Boring:
Boring:
Keep a calendar on gCal that pings my Crackberry.
Almost always answer emails and phonecalls ASAP.
Have a propensity to turn my phone off on weekends/evenings, permiting me to focus and relax better.
Write stuff down on this thing called paper and make prioritized lists once a week.
Non-Boring:
Writing longhand slows me down and helps me think more clearly.
Unplug 100% at regular intervals, sometimes all day, to switch up brain hemispheres.
Read books, daydream, nap, and focus on being in-the-moment.
Stare out the window and space out. Drink tea. Stretch. Play with dog.
Reminisce fondly.
Know that there’s nowhere to be and nothing to do, really.
A little liquor drink cuts the phlegm sometimes.
Also, glitter.
5) I should probably do the decent thing and explain the method behind the Dingian Way, but meh. Well, meh, plus I’m positive you’re all clever enough to figure it out.
6) My mother thinks this blog is: “Raunchy!”