Ask Dr. Ding

Dear Dr. Ding,

I am about to quit my job or maybe I will just go on a 6 month vacation to Bora Bora start my life over as an impoverished English teacher. I can’t take it anymore! I’m swamped with work, I know I’m clinically depressed and should go back on my meds, and my credit cards are maxed out. And I’m not in very good health at the moment. I don’t know if I need a job change or a career change. I work in a medium-sized (60+staff) human services agency whose funding sources are drying up right left and center. Right now my position is on soft money, which of course means any minute now I could lose my job.

Fuck!

The funny part of this of course is that I don’t even WANT the job I have. I’m middle-management (can you be middle-management in an agency this small?) and it feels like things always roll downhill to me or get kicked upstairs to me. At the end of the 12-hour day I barely have enough energy to walk my dogs.

Crap!

Sorry about the expletives. I’ve worked very hard over the years in my field for very little and I’m exhausted physically and I really don’t think I can take looking for a better or better-paying job right now. I SO don’t want to stay in human services anymore. I feel really stuck, but I also feel too tired to care.

Shit!

I know, I know, I should go to Consumer Credit Counseling and then ask my doctor for some samples of the old antidepressant I used to take, eat vegetables, think positive….I know this. I think maybe my problem is deeper. I was talking with a friend of mine last night, and she was trying to be helpful and suggest job sites I could look at — which annoyed the crap out of me because the thought of even looking at classified ads fills me with dread and of course I know I need to change something, but I don’t feel like doing anything.

Help! Kick my ass!

Sign me: Just Tired

Dear Tired:

Aw honey darlin. Why should I kick your ass when you’re already doing such a great job of it?

Dr. Ding feels your pain. Not so many years ago I worked at a place so exploitative and generally interpersonally freakish that occasionally I would retire to the restroom to sit ‘pon the can and just fucking bawl and snivel. I felt trapped, I felt stuck, yet somehow powerless to change my situation; I couldn’t quit because everyone was depending on me, see — patients, clients, staff, supervisees, supervisors, bosses, pieces of paper that had JCAHO written on them, children in far-off lands. I certainly couldn’t let my unseen audience of others know that I was running myself ragged, working ridiculous hours, being treated rather poorly and hating life. Oh heavens no! Dr. Ding considered herself far too essential to everyone else to take her own needs and wishes into account by changing jobs.

Not so healthy. And a tad egomaniacal. End result: leaving that infernal, soul-shredding hellhole job was one the best decisions I ever made, both personally and professionally. And financially. Oh yeah, and spiritually. Best of all, my perspiration stopped smelling like rotten eggs.

Human services agencies across the board are notorious for not treating their employees too well. It’s part of the biz. Their motto is: “Serve humanity, present staff excluded.” They do important, even vital work, however, and it’s really a great feeling to be a part of that, even if the salary they pay or the hours they demand don’t exactly set your panties ablaze. But it sounds as if the Great Feeling-to-Financial and Emotional Exhaustion Ratio isn’t quite working for you, as you’re burned-out and cranky and tired, Tired.

You know what you need to do, Tired. You’re 100% accurate there; taking care of your health, which includes your neurotransmitters, will go a long way to improving your outlook and decision-making capacities. And although no one likes to go, hat-in-hand, to CCC, it’s a huge relief to get ones finances under control.

But you know all this stuff. The question is, why aren’t you doing it? Why are you sitting in front of the firing line, waiting for the reload? And honey, you’re the one holding the gun.

Dr. Ding has seen a lot of very smart, talented, compassionate, intelligent and professionally competent people, and especially female people, who suck at taking care of themselves. Who forget their own power to take hold of life and ride it. Who shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to asking for what they deserve. Who spend so much time and energy worrying about what everyone else needs/thinks/feels, that they lose sight of what’s best for them, The Big Picture. It seems to especially afflict folks who work in the areas of healthcare, human services, education, and law enforcement; any profession whose very nature requires sacrifice, and it’s the opposite of what afflicts folks who work in the upper eschelons of corporate America.

You’re insightful, Tired, in that you know the steps you need to take in terms of getting into a more satisfying line of work. But you’re waiting for the music to start, and sometimes in life it just doesn’t. And sometimes let’s face it, it’s a fucking poorly-played banjo solo. But no one, not even Dr. Ding, is going to be able to give you permission to begin that dance if you don’t believe you’re capable.

Dr. Ding senses some self-doubt, a lack of confidence here, masquerading as malaise; fatigue is a wonderful cover story, a safe retreat from the risky business of change. Where along the line did you get the idea that you didn’t deserve to have a stable, satisfying existence with a nice balance of work and play? Did a caregiver portend your failure at a critical juncture in your early life, and now you think that to feel successful, happy, and secure means you’ve betrayed them? What kinds of self-limiting or self-sabotaging beliefs are getting in your way? What does your ideal life look like? How do you want to be remembered?

You haven’t mentioned directly what your health problems are, so I’m going to assume that some of your tiredness is truly physical in origin. With this in mind, here’s an idea of where to begin, Dr. Dinggy-style. Aw yeah. You will need to print out the orange part of this post.

1. On a weekend, find somewhere quiet and comfortable to lie down.
2. Shut off the phone/pager.
3. Take those orange questions above one at a time.
4. Breathe. Let your mind wander. Don’t censor. Pay attention.
5. See what comes up.

The rest is up to you. You’re smart. You’re talented. You’re compassionate. You know where cool job/career websites are. Now use these powers for you own good. Git!

Love,

Dr. Ding

p.s. Check this cool article from DailyOM on overcoming self-sabotage here.