If Jesus Was Born A Woman

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Dr. Ding has been sitting abed these last few days, quietly fulminating bizarre and mystical ideations in the mental twilight of her catarrh and ague.

And suddenly the divine inspiration came, borne on the wings of cherubs.

What if Jesus had been born female? And God had sent his only daughter to save the world?

I’m assuming several things might have been different.

First off, no disappearing in the temple at age 12. Good girls don’t just wander off like that, putting the fear of their grandfather into their parents. Also, none of this disappearing for 21 years thing either; Girl Jesus would at least have left Mary and Joseph a note saying where she was going, and who she was seeing, and when she’d be back.

Like so:

Mom + Stepdad J

Heading off to the far East to seek wisdom. Peter and Paul know where I am, but I told Judas I’d be Girl Jesusizing the Gauls. That guy really gives me the creeps. I’ve got torches, a sturdy covering, and an extra pair of go-go boots. If you need to get ahold of me, I’ve included a handy map to a Himalayan monastery where they can reach me telepathically. Also, I cleaned my room. Love, Girl Jesus.

Girl Jesus would most likely have not later been forced to bodily throw the moneychangers out of the temple, but rather would have very respectfully persuaded them to leave, no fuss no muss. Likewise, I just can’t see Girl Jesus getting rooked by Judas Iscariot either. I think she would have seen him coming a mile away and probably would have had an elaborate and intricately-connected social network in place that would have immediately alerted her to Judas’ thirty pieces of silver hijinks. Sweating blood in Gethsemane? Nah. I’m picturing a pitcher of margs with her spiritual posse, possibly some nachos. The Catholic Mass would later be held at Chi-Chi’s restaurants worldwide.

The twelve apostles would probably have been split 8 female, 4 male, just for some gender balance. Girl Jesus probably would also have had a lot of superpowers that would have saved her from having to be crucified, like being able to fly; I’m pretty sure that at her trial she would have simply zipped up into Heaven or at least some nearby tree branches right after handing Pontius Pilate his ass, metaphysically speaking. Boo yah!

Also, Girl Jesus would definitely have had some silver go-go boots. I mean come on, you expect me to believe the Savior of the World is going to defeat the forces of darkness wearing strappy flat sandals? Those things give you almost no support! I know this would change the ensuing iconography considerably, but imagine what a profound image this would have been: an utterly merciful, compassionate and wise being who also knows how to throw down, and does so with impeccable style.

Our Lady of the Perpetual Silver Go-Go Boots.

The Immaculate Heart of the Platform Shitkickers.

Dear Girl Jesus, Hear My Prayer and Answer Me, Nancy Sinatra-style.

Maybe I should lay off the Ny-Quil.

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4 Responses to If Jesus Was Born A Woman

  1. Beyonce says:

    Best post ever.

  2. Pingback: Ask Dr. Ding » How To Have A Breakup

  3. 1. I’m in love with you.

    2. This was featured on GoodMom/BadMom so get down with your bad self. http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/2008/05/blog_round_up.html

  4. Dr. Ding says:

    Oh, I am getting down right now with my bad self, Bloggess.

    You are too cool for school, and I am definitely calling off that whole knife fight to-the-death thing.

    And anyone who doesn’t just love the living shit out of you right back is an irredeemable fucktard.

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