Ask Dr. Ding

I can’t seem to shake this idea that I’m really messed-up inside. When I was growing up, both my parents were alcoholics. My father used to hit me, and my mother would just yell. I joined the military right out of high school, put myself through college, and now own my own business. I’m really proud that I’ve made a success out of my life. I’m married to a wonderful woman and we have two beautiful children. I thank God every day that I was able to not repeat the mistakes my parents made.

Here’s my problem. My parents both sobered up through rehab and then AA about 5 years ago, but for my father, the damage had been done, and he died last year. I’m glad they decided to stop poisoning themselves through alcohol, and it’s a relief to see my mother so clear-headed. But sometimes when I see her around my kids I get this surge of emotion that’s so strong I have to leave the room. I can’t figure out if I’m jealous or mad or what. I just feel really messed-up and I can’t get a handle on it. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not depressed or anything, and most days I feel great. I’ve found that when that big swell of emotion gets to me that if I go to church or read my Bible it helps a lot. My wife pointed out that this means I’m using religion as a crutch. I don’t know what to think. What do you think about all this?

You’re not messed-up, you’re grieving a childhood you never had. Grief is possibly the most misunderstood human experience, and tidal in its intensity. You describe sudden swells of strong negative feelings that seem to recede for awhile, only to eventually return just as powerful as before. This is how grief often operates, and it can be confusing. It sounds as if you’re linking these upwellings of nameless emotion with visits from your mother (who was emotionally and verbally abusive to you, and who stood idly by while your father physically abused you) which is very insightful.

Seeing your mother interacting happily while sober with your children in the present is driving your grief because it’s the childhood experience you never got to have. The things we didn’t get while growing up—adequate attention, nurturance, support, love, care, affection, etc— are the most difficult to grieve. You thought I was going to say they’re the most difficult to “get over” didn’t you? People often tell themselves that the past is in the past, so they should just get over it/let it be/let go/etc. But because of the way we are biologically and psychologically wired as the complicated and fascinating human creatures that we are, it just ain’t that easy.

Please understand that grieving the past that you didn’t have isn’t a single event; it’s a process, and a healing process at that. On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler Ross is an excellent explanation of the stages of grief and how to move through them without getting stuck. Grief, you see, isn’t bad or abnormal or wrong. It just is. It happens, and it’s supposed to happen, because life is ever-changing and sometimes very difficult and it’s a wonderful built-in mechanism for us to be able to say goodbye to people, things, and experiences of all sorts, both positive and negative.

Giving yourself permission to allow your feelings to flow through you is powerful medicine as you make your way through the process of grieving your childhood, the one you were denied. Grieving with support, however, will let you heal more rapidly. I think your turning to your church or your Bible represents your attempt to do this, and my view is hey—if it works, keep doing it. It’s not a crutch. It sounds as if you’re looking for some meaning and understanding in all of this pain you’re experiencing, and that’s a healthy, functional thing.

One caveat: don’t rush to forgiveness. This prematurely can short-circuit your progress. Think of grief as a wound that must be cleaned out gently but completely, washed clean entirely before it can be sutured and allowed to heal up. If you pray to forgive your parents right now you may be leaving some “dirt” inside the wound that could cause problems, i.e. an incomplete healing experience. Let yourself feel mad, sad, hurt, scared. It’s ok. You’re a human being who gets to have feelings now, and all of these emotions are a part of grief. Back then it wasn’t safe to feel your own emotions—you were too busy surviving. Although life is different now, those feelings you didn’t get to experience back then are still there, needing to be expressed.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever discussed your feelings about your childhood with your mother, and I don’t know if it would be helpful; this is a decision only you can make. I think what would be helpful would be for you do share some of this with a person you trust, whether that’s a therapist, a church leader or simply a valued friend. Groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics or AlAnon are sometimes helpful as well. Please be assured that you’re not messed-up–your childhood certainly was, and you survived it and not only that, you have managed to help create a healthy family of your own without repeating the abusive behaviors of your parents. Doesn’t sound like you’ve been using any crutches to me! You are a resilient, courageous person who happens to be suffering.

One thing to consider: your wife sees your religious activities as problematic. Do you suppose that you are turning away from her even as you turn towards religion? Something to be aware of. You may want to share this article with her to help her understand where you’re coming from.

Since I don’t believe in luck, I wish you success on your journey. Your instincts, miraculously, seem fairly undamaged by such a difficult childhood, and my hope is that you learn to trust them. So begin it today. Be bold! To paraprhase otherwise rather angsty ole Goethe, boldness has genius and daring and magic in it.

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