Ask Dr. Ding

Why can’t I find a good woman? Why are the women I meet into bad boys and not a nice, hardworking, decent guy like myself? I treat women well, I pay for dinner and open doors. I call when I say I will. And two dates later they’ve dropped me like a hot potato and moved on to some jerk who treats them like dirt. What gives? By the way, I’m 32, gainfully employed, not too ugly, and have a good sense of humor. I’ll do whatever you tell me.

Hoo boy. You, my friend, are currently wedged solidly in a very dark crevice in Nice Guy Chasm. Can you feel your arms and legs? Hold on, help is on the way.

What does nice mean to you? Or decent for that matter? Hardworking? It sounds like you have excellent manners; you open doors, pay for things, and do what you say you will, so I think I get that part. But what I’m not understanding is what you mean exactly by nice and decent. I get honest, I get responsible, and kind, but nice? Decent? These are terms my mother used to use to describe the schlub from St. Patrick’s Parish youth group she was forever trying to set me up with, the one that lived in his parents’ basement who dutifully tended to their every whim while maintaining a fairly deplorable level of personal hygiene. I hope this doesn’t describe you.

I read an article a few months ago suggesting that Nice and Decent Nice Guys are really operating out of this seething, bottomless cauldron of rage that they cover up by being ultra-sweet and kind, which only feeds the rage which drives the submissiveness which fuels the rage, etc and they end up locked up in these horrible relationships with folks who only want to treat them badly which in turn gratifies some sort of ancient and lurking childhood secret fantasy to be punished, etc etc.

Too complicated. But consider this; men tend to seek the mother they knew. Women tend to seek the father they knew. You may want to revisit your childhood for a moment to check out what your parents’ relationship was like, because often we human beings imprint our subsquent relationship patterns on that primary parental one, albeit unconsciously. So there’s a chance that your mother treated your father badly or accused him of being too boring, and that he in turn tried to win her love by acting overly conciliatory, or perhaps, more accurately and in your parlance, “nice” and “decent.” There’s also a chance you watched your father treat your mother badly and vowed to never ever do that, but you’ve swung a bit too far in that direction to the point where you neglect yourself in relationships and let the other person walk on you.

Could there also be a cautionary tale in my youth-group-basement-dweller scenario? My hunch is that you are too accommodating not just with the women you date, but in most of your relationships, putting up with less than what you deserve, dancing attendance on the whims of others in an attempt to get them to stay, sacrificing the expression of your feelings for fear of driving people away.

The psychological skinny? You sell yourself waay short by overdoing the Nice Guy routine. And look where it’s gotten you—upside-down in Nice Guy Chasm trying to survive on raindrops and pocket lint, wondering why. You deserve champagne and steak; real, genuine, emotionally honest relationships where you aren’t doing all the work and where the other person is delighted to be with you. How about trying the Real Guy routine, where you’re allowing the other person to make a positive impression and draw you out, and where you pay more attention to your honest reaction to them instead of putting them in a good/bad category?

It’s a tough gig to extricate oneself from the contorted and soul-cramping positions of life way down in Nice Guy Chasm; first, you have to get unstuck. Then, you have to make sure you have the proper climbing equipment, and that you know what direction in which you’re headed. If I was better at climbing metaphors I’d tell you to be sure to check your gear and buy extra carabiners, but hey, I’m just a shrink.

The next time you find yourself on a date, let the silence fall every once in awhile. Don’t get so caught up in the rosy, antiquated trappings of dating etiquette, like opening doors and dumping your jacket across a mud puddle. You don’t have to prove anything, after all. You’re not there to play the role of conquering hero, you’re there just to get to know her better. Try splitting the check. Talk about things that are important or interesting to you. If she gives you a compliment, really listen and thank her. And don’t put yourself down with statements like “I’m not too ugly,” For The Love of God! Wait 24 hours before calling. Or maybe don’t call at all if you don’t want to. Pay attention to how you feel around her. If it’s meant to be, you won’t have to force it along, it will develop and unfold for the most part on its own.

These are just the basic tools for getting yourself pried out of N.G. Chasm. Where you go from there and how you choose to stay out are up to you. Don’t forget to pack snacks.

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